The Story of My Experiments with Sex, Lies and Video Tapes Part III: College and Beyond!

I am back!

I know, 5 months is a long time to spend thinking about writing a new post! But then again, if only the world had a few more thinkers and a little less doers, we would have been a better place.

On the one hand, there is the biggest doer (do gooder?) there could be. Uncle Sam! Compulsively obsessed with setting things right! Half the worlds mess has been created by our dear Uncle. Be it Afganistan or Iraq, or Pakistan, or the Gaza strip, our dear uncle has a footprint everywhere a.ka. Godzilla! It has done absolutely no one any good, transforming the World into arguably two completly muddled Bipoles of the "Wronged and the Wrongdoer" who keep exchanging places.

On the other hand there is this group of thinkers, the United Nations, whose perceived usefulness in life is to undo the done, unravel the ravelled, and basically sit around and think!

We are having earth summits to cool the earth which is suffering from the physical manifestations of Global Warming. Another example of Man's obsession with the Physical! Size does not matter dude! We are anyway hell bent on killing each other off on socio-political grounds, and at the rate we are going, Global warming is going to find only leftovers!

But, this isn't about any of that! This is about the Story of my Experiments with Sex, Lies and Video Tapes! College and beyond!

Since most of you have been wondering, where the fuck (pun completely intentional) is the sex in this 4 post story. So here goes my tribute to Choubey!

Who?

Choubey, was a friend of mine in the 5th standard, there were Rahul and Anup and Kautuk and Choubey!

Rahul, Anup and Kautuk remain the closest of friends till date. Choubey, I Believe, was God's idea of injecting a banal version of Cupid into our lives.

Well, Choubey was the one, in the 5th standard, who let it be known, that before Salman Rushdie or Amitava Ghosh or Arundhati Roy etc, Indian writing in English was not so famous precisely because we were too busy reading Indian Writing in Hindi beneath the covers. MastRam, did not win any Bookers, but "they", since it was most definitely not a Singular, but a plural entity which initiated us into "Bhabhi ka pyar" were too busy making Men out of Boys to really care!

Choubey vanished from the scene long before he could leave a lasting impression on us. Instead of being the Viagra of our initiation into the virtues of sex, he became the quintessential premmature ejaculation!

So we remained, as our parents would sigh in relief, mostly untainted, arguably pure, from the vice called Sex, till a little after we entered college.

Who is we, you must be wondering. It's me and my little John Abraham I am talking about!

College left us with no choice, either you knew about the topic, or you did not!

Well, well, well by the time I entered college, we were no more just a small group of friends but a motley gang of adolescents hell bent on breaking all the rules.

So yes, we smuggled VCRs-yes those large monsters carried around in VIP Suitcases, renting at 60 bucks a day, each tape additionally costing another 20 bucks - under the noses of our parents and learnt about Big Boobs Betty's Quest for Long Dong Silver!

And yes, my brothers stash of Porn was, once upon a time, discovered and very publicly burnt under the able supervision of Ma, but not before he had had an opportunity to hide some of the more graphic ones!

Hey! Sweet Victory of Good over Evil!

But for the rest of the month, he was the butt of all jokes in the circuit.

The advantage of having a elder brother is that you don't have to worry about creating from scratch, your own stash of porn. You can always take a loan! Sometimes by deceit, if necessary.

To be continued...

O Sexy Sexy Mama - A Futile Debate

O Sexy Sexy Mama - A Futile Debate

This is not really a Traffic Signal Tale except that it happened while I was waiting for the signal to turn green at the traffic signal and heard the following song on radio O Sexy mama let us do the Sa Re Ga Ma, O! Sexy, Sexy Mama It’s quite a fun song actually and you do feel like Head-banging to the tune.Now, my daughter (who is two years old) is really good with songs. She can already sing but Pappu can’t dance Saba – thank God for small mercies – and was picking up this one quite nicely before the Censor board intervened and said that while the song can continue as it is in theatres and Radio, the word Sexy has to be replaced by the word Crazy for TV. There goes my chance to, through the nice offices of my daughter, proclaim that my wife is Sexy, now, if I am to believe my daughter, My wife is quite crazy. ओ मेरी पागल माँ, according to the censors is a better way to address your mom rather than ओ मेरी सेक्सी माँ!
Incidentally this is a Baba Sehgal Song, the same Baba Sehgal who sang रुकमनी, रुकमनी, शादी के बाद क्या क्या हुआ to the tunes of A. R. Rehman and got away with singing words like खटिया भी धीरे धीरे खट खट करने लगी, आगे पीछे हुआ तो छट पट होने लगी …In the early 90s, I had to run the distant between the commode and the living room in less than 3 seconds at the same time buttoning my shorts when this song, on a cassette borrowed from a friend first played on the record player at my home, my father had a nice laugh at my discomfort, of course. Both of us realized soon enough that I knew exactly why Khatiyas do खट खट!
Twenty years hence another generation of Indian’s is now growing up being fed cheap horror shows, cheap advertisements, loads of violence, cheap cartoons, grow up thinking it ultra cool to drink Cola from morning to evening, watch unaesthetic condom ads, think its all right for Mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws to plot revenge through most of their living lives, for fathers and mothers to have multiple partners, and still believe that it’s wrong to have a mom who can be considered sexy! I think that’s unfair. Cultures were not meant to be static. They are by nature of definition supposed to be transient. So while I believe my mother will take offense if I called her anything but “माँ”, I am sure my daughter, if the censors allow her, can get away by calling her mom “ओ मेरी सेक्सी माँ.” I am equally sure, that she will get a proper spanking if she calls her “ओ मेरी पागल माँ.”I remember my Childhood days, Raj Kapoor and Nargis were not my favorite actors, hence I never realized that प्यार हुआ इकरार हुआ फिर भी प्यार से क्यूँ डरता है दिल could possibly have any other next line but डीलक्स निरोध सबसे ज्यादा बिकने वाला कंडोम! And believe me; I have my own pervert habits, but it in no way made a worse man out of me than I would have otherwise been, if I did not know the word condom as a child!As far as film songs go, I have my own reservations about what some of them dish out in the name of lyrics – and I do not see a chronological sequence of degeneration, they were good or bad across the entire length of Indian Cinema – nevertheless, I think most kids know चोली के पीछे क्या है, they after all spent most of their first six months trying to figure that one out!I am trying to figure out whether it’s a sexy debate or a crazy debate! A futile debate, anyone?

O! Futile Futile Mama.

10 Reasons why Matrimonial Sites Don't Work

I was browsing through a matrimonial site and came across these hilarious profiles. No. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of marrying any of these men! Its just that I was actually scouting for masala for my Blog.

1. 35 Year old Divorcee father of two is looking for a 26 year old virgin girl.

Experience should carry youth along if this country is to develop!

2. A Charcoal Black guy (Michael Jackson wasn't fair to begin with people!) is looking for very fair, milky white girl.

You want dalmatians as offsprings.

3. A well settled software engineer is looking for a beautiful, homely, working (well settled, software? does not seem to matter) girl.

An unsettled cook-cum-maid will bring more spice to life.

4. A short and plump highly successful professional is looking for a slim and health conscious girl.

You the Brand Manager for Kelloggs K Challenge?

5. A Milky White, spiritual, ambivert (Where's the fucking dictionary guys?) from a close knit family is looking for a tall, working, fashion consciuos very fair girl.

You looking for a MTV VJ? Sheetal Malhar matches your partner profile to 6Sigma levels but does not qualify.

6. A very handsome (His parents did a Gallup Poll it seems) family oriented guy is looking for a sasural oriented girl.

Too many families spoil the equation.

7. A Guy who has visisted Europe and USA several times and whose parents are well settled in Mumbai and whose ancestral roots are in Mugalsarai is looking for a homely girl.

The girl should not have ventured beyond champaran.

8. A 38 year old straight forward guy is looking for a girl with substance and youthfulness.

Looking for an underage drug addict dude?

9. Someone is looking for a tall, fair, jovial, homely, accomodative, traditional and custom oriented working girl who can also cook, iron, and darn.

You obviously wants to have multiple partners. Naughty you!

10. A personal with wit, charm, energy, 6 figure salary and six pack abs, is looking for just about any girl from any background.

He is obviuosly gay and is doing this just to get his parents to shut up.

Terror Strikes Mumbai!

It happened once more and predictably in Mumbai, which has already seen some of the most devastating terror attacks.

Tragedy is not that hundreds of innocent people have been killed once more; the tragedy is not that the Country, in one night, also lost some of its best Police Officers! The tragedy is that it happened in one of the most predictably obvious targets, and within that in predictably the most vulnerable, most accessible and quite logical targets. The Oberoi and the Taj Mahal hotels are barely at a walking distance of the Gateway of India and so obviously accessible from the Sea. Unfortunately, our intelligence agencies, aided by inept politicians’ complete apathy, had neither clue nor the necessary preparedness to handle the situation. To add to the woes, all and sundry politicians’ started descending on Mumbai, giving the forces the choice between protecting innocent civilians and protecting these Z+ (whatever shit that is) secured guys! What kind of choice is that?

And it will continue to happen as long as guys like Shivraj Patil, with no antecedents, nor inclination to learn, continue to hold portfolios as important as the Home Ministry despite repeated public showcase of a total lack of capability to handle the situation. His only eligibility criteria - that he is a Nehru-Gandhi Loyalist! Despite their arguably decades of service to this country – pardon me for saying this – “Ye Desh tumhare baap ki jaagir nahi hai” (This country is not the private property of your Father) – that you’ll hand over its management to any Tom, Dick and Harry – mostly Dicks.

Mr. Patil said He was proud that certain Policemen had died in the line of duty. Mr. Patil, you don’t deserve to be proud for the sacrifices of able men, you ought to be ashamed that they had to die, or are you too think skinned along with your numerous designer clothes to assist?

I think its time that Mumbaikars refuse to showcase the “indomitable spirit of Mumbai” that politicians use as shields to hide their callousness, ineptitude, and disregard for ordinary citizens of this country.

There is no spirit left. The nation is heart broken, not because innocents got killed, but because innocents got killed AGAIN!

Mumbai, please, for a change, keep that spirit in abeyance, let them feel the pinch of a Mumbai coming to a compete standstill, if necessary for weeks, till such times that they come out with comprehensive, executable action plan, not hollow words.

Corporate houses in Mumbai too need to come together and say that they are too tired of this to even want to bounce back, how about bouncing out instead, that should do the trick as far as Mumbai goes, the rest of the country of course will continue to suffer.

One saving grace is that the Western Media, for a change has taken more notice than it normally does – maybe because American and British Citizens were involved (Tumhara Khun -Khun, humara khun – Paani “Western Blood is Blood and Indian Blood is water?) – At least the world understands that this is not just a third world problem.

What hurt me most personally was that quite a few of us were too busy chasing our daily targets to bother about, or concerned with this, simply because Mumbai is not our backyard. Someone please teach such people that nothing else can be more important in life than life itself!

Human Tragedy unfolds…On the Banks of the Kosi, in the tunnel of our minds!

The happiness quotient of a nation is not determined by how many people are happy, it’s determined by how many people are unhappy, and our score is pathetic.

On August 18, 2008, the Kosi River, also known as the “Sorrow of Bihar” picked up an old channel it had abandoned over 100 years ago near the border of Nepal and India. The river broke its embankment at Kusaha in Nepal, thus submerging several districts of Nepal and India. Almost the entire River reportedly was flowing through the new course. The worst affected districts included Supaul, Araria, Saharsa, Madhepura, Purnia, Katihar, parts of Khagaria and northern parts of Bhagalpur,

2000 people are reported dead although the official figures are closer to a 100. 26 Lakh people are affected and more than 10 Lakh evacuated. 250,000 acres of farmland is under water destroying wheat and rice.

But this isn’t the biggest tragedy. The biggest tragedy is not what has happened. The biggest tragedy is what has failed to happen. I remember the Tsunami of 2004, when the entire nation stood together, at hindsight, perhaps because a Tsunami, by its novel nature grabbed attention, whereas floods in Bihar –change the topic – what’s new about it. They happen all the time! After all didn’t some statistician say, 20 dead is tragedy, 20,000 dead is statistics.

Our singular apathy to it, limited to reading the front page of the newspaper (5 minutes, maybe 10) or 2 minutes of news, channel surfing between a Big Boss and a Soap (watching imaginary tragedies unfold!) is cheap, degrading and simply takes away the right to be considered civilized.

In fact someone I genuinely respect as a human being commented, unexpectedly, quite surprisingly, and if I may say so, unbecomingly that “even God wants to wipe Bihar off the face of the earth.” And I wanted to ask. Why? What is it that Biharis have done that they deserve this? If an utterly exploited, genuinely suppressed, part of the country, as a consequences of that suppression and ages of oppression has turned out to be a Social misfit in an “IT enabled” environment, who is to blame?

Let me throw some light on the place that Bihar was. To begin at the beginning, Kosi or Koshi was formerly Kausiki named after Visvamitra (also known as Kausika) who was a descendant of Sage Kusika and was said to have attained the status of a Vedic Rishi along its banks.

Nalanda, one of the greatest universities in recorded history was situated here and used to be a major seat of Buddhism (In fact Buddha himself, technically was a Bihari). In fact, Mahavir Jain is said to be born near Nalanda at Kundalpur and attained Moksha at Pavapuri. Ashoka, one of the greatest administrator, a Buddhist and whose lions now grace every currency note that India mints, was a Bihari.

Do we really need to be wiped out from the face of the earth? Is that God’s will? No, that’s either humor at its worst, plain apathy or a sign of extinct intelligent life form!

Deranged or what

It’s been a while that I wrote anything. Whether on this Blog or elsewhere, elsewhere being the two books I am working on right now.

The first one, all of 10000 words written in 10 days in February, and languishing since in a remote folder of my laptop is contemporary in nature, which does not talk about the India that seems to permeate Indian writing in English - India of Squalor, of strife, of the rich and the poor where elephants and princes’ still roam around in abundance – this does not talk about that, instead it talks about the fairly ordinary, mundane, uninteresting middle class India, which lives in small towns, dreams of big cities, and does rather well for itself and finds no mention, naturally so, in IWE. The second one, might be of some interest to those big ticket agents, because it talks about an India that is of interest, snake charmers and all and to add to that actually goes back in history more than a hundred years. This is my ticket to fame, seriously, the one which will prevent my fall from grace for being a non-conformist. Here I conform. Unfortunately, this has not progressed beyond the 1000 pages of research and 100 words of beginning. Shit.

To begin before shit happened, as I said, I have not written anything meaningful for close to two months, and its getting on my nerves.

But, why would I not write, when I love writing and have always done so. I don’t believe in Writers Block, and anyway it can’t happen to a novice like me whose only publishing credit is about half a dozen Blog entries, read mostly by well meaning family and friends. So what is it that holds me back?

I think what holds me back is the fact that I have been feeling like Winnie the Pooh with Alice in Wonderland, if you get what I mean. Or to phrase that more meaningfully, I have felt like a Viagra Pill inside a castrated Dog! Lost.

But then again, as I keep saying, one, there’s more to life than High5’s and two, nothing keeps me from being my usual self, and that’s being a little over-cheerful and a little under-crazy.

So, here I am, back from the brink, anything but extinct, looking as good as shit would look when dressed in a bowtie, i.e. looking myself, bad color combination and all. I have so much to talk about; I don’t know where to begin. Do I begin at the point where I stopped; I was then talking about the rights of pets? But then that’s trivia when you consider all that’s happening around us –The father of the constitution which unifies this country has become the chief mascot of separatists, morons rule the world and all that’s within, Priyanka redefines sanity and forgiveness while all around us insanity prevails.

Where do I begin?

Let’s do something innovative. Let’s try and make this a group activity. Where do I begin being the last thread, may I request you to put in a comment in the comments sections which when added to this original post, makes it look like a continuous article? Lets say in about 150-200 words? I promise to edit this and incorporate the best of the lot to the original with due credit to the author of that part.

Interesting? Or just a dumb trick by me to get you to do all the writing? Makes us think.

How to Create a Dogs Life: For Everyone!!!

First: Here's my sincere apologies to dogs for the title I chose for this post. I neither want to hurt your feelings nor do I want to offend you. Its just that most people understand what I am trying to convey through this topic.

My Apartment Complex is debating whether Pets should be allowed in the complex:

Let me first put forth the arguments against pets as listed by people:

They can be dangerous. Hullo, since when only they are selectively dangerous. What about all those I-care-two-hoots psycopaths who inhabit the planet.

They can attack Old People and Children on the elevators (Lifts) . Of course, I think they selectively target this group. I do notice a lot of Children carrying puppies with the scruff of their necks. I have yet to see a puppy carry a human child like that.

They create a nuisance at night by continuously barking. Read about other Nuisances at Night below.

They Drop poop. I thought it was people challenged in civic sense who did that!

Children are scared of large animals. Are they now? I haven't noticed.

Now let me put forth my views on the subject.

Even I don't want any Old people, Children, or perfectly capable young people to suffer any harm at the paws of "deranged" pet animals. But extremes of anything are never good.

I completely support that Dogs or other should not be left unattended anywhere: Not even within the confines of one's own flat. Not because they are a nuisance, only because It's not good for them.

I support that Old People, Young People, Children, everyone needs to be protected.

I support that Owners should be cleaning up after their pets.

I support that there should be rules governing pets, just like there should be rules governing everything else.

However, I do not agree that there should be blanket bans enforced.

This world after all belongs as much to Dog-Cat-Parrot lovers as to people who think otherwise. At least we are having pets in a controlled environment, is anyone safe in an uncontrolled environment outside.

Are Pet Dogs - mark the word Pet here, I am not talking about some street animal - necessarily deranged creatures that go about attacking people? Not really!

Yes. Sometimes they are a nuisance.

So?

Sometimes even children are a nuisance (Ever heard a baby scream at the top of her lungs in the middle of the night? Or two boys fighting or when they break something like the Pool Table cue?). Let us ban children as well shall we? In case you think I am joking, let me tell you that to a lot of people, their pets are like children. They don't keep pets to show off!

Sometimes youngsters are a nuisance (Ever heard music blasting late into the night?).

Sometimes Old people are a nuisance.

Yes sir. No disrespect meant, but I do know a Grandfather in our Complex who goes home only after checking on the welfare of me and my family, in the middle of the night, every single night!

Here we are, struggling with two laptops, a sack full of groceries, a fidgety toddler, two lunch boxes, and whatever else that’s weighing us down at 10 PM in the night, straight back from office, minus a cup of tea, thinking about what junk to eat for dinner tonight, and he says "been to your native?" one day or "very Beesy Man, Prabhash" the next all followed by his snigger- Please Ban him. I want to ban him! Better still punch him in the jaw and then ban him!

Hey! We will end up banning our lives.

But then again, not all Old People or Young People or Children or Pets are a Nuisance. In fact they are quite fun to be with. Let’s not go around banning them.

It’s a persons right to acquire a pet within applicable municipal laws and as long as he is a responsible owner and citizen. There are more stray dogs and other animals on the streets likely to cause harm than a well trained, properly inoculated pet under a responsible owner.

Children should not be trained to be afraid of dogs or other pets, they should in fact learn the social skills of interacting with fairly sensitive animals - Under Adult Supervision, always – I am looking forward to help my child become a well rounded individual not someone inflicted with zoophobia.

Of Sex and other passtimes of civilised men

We are not a people known for our civilised treatment of women. We still remain a country of female foeticide, best food for the male child while the girl child eats leftovers, same for education and everything else that helps you make a life of life! No wonder we are getting better and better at it with every passing year!

How else do we explain women being molested in the "safe" Mumbai (But then is it not the place where the Women's special train is known as "Maalgadi"). Foregin tourists being raped in a place of अतिथि देवो भवः Even kids being molested!!!

The other day "M" was talking about how women bring is unto themselves by their dress and their conduct and their what nots! (Maybe there existence itself M?, maybe they should stop existing cause it may cause civilised men to become lecherous fools!). Incidentally M happens to be a women!

Just because its there, doesn't mean its to be had by anyone whether invited or not. Is it about dogs and bones? I thought men were better than Dogs M.

There is something wrong with our very existence as civilised people. Something wrong with our culture, with our education system where we tend to learn more about the general theory of relativity than about respect for our fellow beings. An education system which teaches us enough about our civic rights but not much about our civic responsibilities.

We are still in the dark ages, India shining notwithstanding. We are going downhill even if the Sensex (The sex that gives you the best orgasms nowadays) is going up. We are in a state of decay and decadence. We are amidst a global warming of far gretaer consequence than any caused by CO2 emissions.

I think women should start smoking! No, don't laugh, I AM serious. After all there are worse ways of dying (or living for that matter) than due to Lung Cancer!!!